I wanted to reflect on a few things I couldn't do when I had my disc injury last year because again, I think it's important to see how far God has brought me. Warning that this is a hard read/ a bit of a downer, but it also might help you be grateful for so many movements we take for granted!
These were 7 things I couldn't do at the height of my pain, but thankfully can now do.
1. Cutting my toenails - bending over was so painful and so hard for a few months and needed help with clipping them, which was so humbling 🦶🏻🦶🏻
2. Changing - it was quite painful to twist my body to change my clothes. Gosh I remember having so little motivation to get out of my pajamas or not even caring what I wear for work when I usually enjoy dressing up 🧥👚👗
3. Sitting - probably the most painful activity of all, and I still have limits to this. For about 6 months, I could only sit for 30 mins before I experienced the disc pain. Those were the days where I had to stand up every 30 minutes in my work or client meetings. I recall how my colleagues just tried to normalize how that was ok with them, and some also started standing and stretching in meetings more 💛 This limitation was what forced me to communicate my needs because if I pushed past the 30 minutes I'd be putting a lot of pressure on my disc and a lot of pain would ensue. It was so different also needing to share this vulnerability with my clients, because you're usually the one caring for them but I think one of them said it made me appear more human 🙃 It was with reformer pilates where my sitting capacity has now grown to 2 hours, and trusting that it will keep growing as I persevere with my rehab.
4. Lifting - heavy objects where I couldn't even do my own groceries. Still working on strengthening and can carry medium weights now. Was so emotional the day I could do my own shopping again! 🥹
5. Regular movement - when I had so much pain, I held myself soon tightly to guard my lower back that I moved around really slowly like a robot. 🤖 If I were a robot, I would like to be BB8 from Star Wars 😆
6. Sleep - was so elusive. I would dread sleep because that would sometimes be the time my pain would really escalate and I remember some nights I would slowly take stronger and stronger pain meds to help me fall asleep. Yup, those days were so rough.
7. Fatigue - pain and the mental admin to remember to stand, stretch, pace myself is not only physically but also mentally draining. I had to do a lot shorter days in the office and really check in with myself to figure out what my capacity was and where my growth zone is. This has been hard because I used to have much more energy to do things. Now, I still find I need a nap in the middle of my work day so I have energy for the second half. I maybe take a bit slower to do mental tasks and can't pack as many social things in one day anymore. Having said that, I feel a lot more well-balanced now compared to before! And 🐢 wins races too right?
All in all, I'd summarize this healing and growing process as rebuilding trust in my body again, and also learning to listen to what it says and what it's needs are. The latter I was never great at to begin with, and I have grown so much here!
A surprising outcome of this is friends/ colleagues/ acquaintances who have disc injuries are coming to me for advice or just asking if I can share my journey with them and letting me know how helpful it is. Maybe it's something for me to think about.. a ministry of pain :) Not one I would ever in a million years choose for myself, but when you've been through something like that, your heart just moves for others who are going through it too.
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