Faith Noodles

I just shortchanged myself in my interview today. I knew so much more than the waffly cotton candy answers I gave my interviewers. I found out that I was among the 3 of maybe 15 who were shortlisted. That was really encouraging, but I didn't give enough meaty answers for them to sink their teeth into. So close yet so far. Why Dad, why am I so bad at interviews? I prepared so hard and what I delivered was horrible. But even if I don't get this position and I might feel really sad, "underneath are Your everlasting arms!" After interviews I tend to beat myself up on things I should have or should not have said, but somehow God is guarding my heart and mind. A little bit of that is happening. But God is reminding me that self-knowledge is different from self-reproach. Self-reproach says I am an incompetent failure and I should quit trying. Self-knowledge (knowledge of myself in the way God sees me) is perhaps being honest with myself that my interviewers pr...

I got to the next stage for my interview :) And this is for a position with kids and teens. But instead of rejoicing, I'm crumbling in fear, and am preparing myself for failure. The past hour I have been re-reading and puzzling over Isaiah 26:3, "You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in You, all whose thoughts are fixed on You! Trust in the Lord always for the Lord God is the eternal rock", even reading it aloud while emphasising different words in the verse, and asking God to help me trust Him, fix my thoughts on Him and give me His perfect peace because my heart feels like it is filled to the brim with fear. I want to protect myself from failure by remaining cynical, expecting failure, not even bothering to try and writing myself off as being "at the bottom of the heap" - but no, You want me to dream.. hope.. invest.. trust You.. rejoice in You, not trust in my own abilities, my way of coping with struggles (i.e., to run and hide) or my way of look...

Today I caught up with a friend at 7:30am! She's probably the only friend who would do it with me! Not that I don't love my other friends who aren't morning people. Haha. I just get this thrill of either quietly enjoying the quietness of the morning or doing lots of things when the world around me is still stirring (when it's not winter). And I really really am thankful that my burden is lighter with friends helping me to bear it. Thanks, Dad. :)

God has been encouraging me since I got my results. :) Through a friend I met yesterday. After I honestly expressed that I have serious concerns about failing next year, she said: "Come on. Look how far God has brought you. Do you really think He'll abandon you now?" Through His amazing comforts and peace as I continue to walk through my days with Him. Through His Word this morning in Romans 11:33-36: "Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! ..His paths beyond tracing out! ..Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been His counsellor?" What encouraged me about this truth? That His paths are beyond tracing out - so I should stop worrying about my future and trusting that God has plans for me, plans I cannot trace out myself despite my best efforts, plans so great, so personal, so loving, so full of His character, designed to bring Him glory. And He will guide me to it. That no one is God's counsellor. God is the Gre...

That was my grade for my entire year. But this grade does not define me, my worth is secure as God's child. I am really confused with the feedback my supervisors and examiners have given me this year. "You smile too much. Try to smile less or your clients might think you lack empathy." "You're doing really well. You've improved heaps. You're so empathetic and come off as really professional." "You're too technical and show no feelings. You don't know how you affect others, you need to be more self-aware." The last comment was the most recent feedback I received, and for that interaction, I got a "pass with reservations". Sigh. I'm frustrated. Disappointed. In a bid to salvage my self-esteem, I wanna just shrug my shoulders and tell myself apathetically that grades don't matter, they are just grades afterall. But if I'm really honest, it matters. It matters because a lot is at stake - if I fail my c...

This really speaks to my heart. Much of my life has not turned out as I had planned it. But to remember that it is God redirecting my paths reminds me that I should hold on to my plans loosely, and not get discouraged, weary, resentful or cynical (all are things I struggle with). I pray that God will use this amaaziiinng truth to prompt me to continuously submit to His thoughts, plans and ways in childlike trust and humility. I am not my own. I have been bought with a price. My life is about loving Jesus and making His name great, not mine. When things just don't go as I've planned, dreams are shattered and hopes dashed, I pray that God will help me keep singing the lines of this beautiful song: Be still, my soul. Thy Jesus can repay From His own fullness all He takes away. From "Not by sight" by Jon Bloom (slightly paraphrased) There are times, while seeking to follow God faithfully, we find ourselves in a desperate moment, forced to a place we would not choos...