Faith Noodles

By Antonio Machado (this is one of my FAVOURITE poems!!) Last night, as I was sleeping I dreamt - marvellous error! - that a spring was breaking out in my heart. I said: Along which secret aqueduct Oh water, are you coming to me water of a new life that I have never drunk? Last night, as I was sleeping I dreamt - marvellous error! - that I had a beehive here inside my heart. And the golden bees were making white combs and sweet honey from my old failures. Last night, as I was sleeping I dreamt - marvellous error! - that a fiery sun was giving light inside my heart. It was fiery because I felt warmth as from a hearth and sun because it gave light and brought tears to my eyes. Last night as I slept I dreamt - marvellous error! - that it was God I had here inside my heart.

Teehee this is my holiday reading list! Hmm, if I'm honest with myself, I'm being a bit too ambitious.. 1. The hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkien 2. Thinking smart: Applying the theory of constraints in the development of thinking skills by Khaw Choon Ean 3. Dragons on the long white cloud by Professor Manying Ip 4. A praying life by Paul E. Miller 5. The fellowship of the ring by J. R. R. Tolkien 6. Ecclesiastes (The Bible) penned by (most scholars think) King Solomon, but inspired by God 7. A gift of stories: Discovering how to deal with mental illness 8. Experiencing psychosis: Personal and professional perspectives 9. Trauma and evil: Healing the wounded soul by Jeffrey Means 10. Assessing spiritual needs by George Fitchett 11. The minister as diagnostician by Paul W. Pruyser 12. Anne of Green Gables, Anne of Avonlea, Anne of the Island, Anne of Windy Poplars, Anne's House of Dreams, Anne of Ingleside, Rainbow Valley and Rilla of Ingleside by L. M...

I have been pretty low lately. Last week I cancelled three catch-ups with friends so that I could stay in my room and cry. Sigh. Put off writing my cover letter for another internship for an entire week. Dory is right. I must keep swimming! Dory: Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do? Marlin: No I don't wanna know. Dory: [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim. Marlin: Dory, no singing. Dory: [continuing] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ho. I love to swim. When you want to swim you want to swim. Marlin: Now I'm stuck with that song... Now it's in my head. Dory: Sorry.

Ah, so I found out I didn't get one internship (the interview that I did better in). I haven't heard about the other one but I am really not holding high hopes because that was the interview I did really poorly in. I will find out by the end of today though! I have been so worried and down about not getting either of the internships these past few days. But yesterday and this morning, I don't know how to describe it, I feel like God is giving me the strength and perseverance I kept asking from Him. It hurts so much to hope and then not get what I hoped God would give me, but He is helping me to keep on placing my hope in Him. I think He is showing me what the psalmist meant when He said, "In Your presence, there is fullness of joy." The one thing that brings me the greatest comfort is that God is with me regardless of whether I feel it or not.. You are with me! This desert.. is showing me that I cannot trust in my career and abilities to do anything o...

I had another interview on Monday and that went so much better than the Friday one (except I didn't want the position as much as the Friday one). By this Friday, I will know if I get either position. I am just praying that God will prepare me especially if it's a "no" because I know I would find it really hard, but at the same time, I know He will give me the comfort and joy of His presence, and strength to keep applying for more. And if it is a yes, I should also pray that God will guard me against pride and to give Him all the glory. Even now, I give Him the glory for helping me not to despair as much as I did the last time I was applying for the clinical programme. Back then, I would probably be really really down, but this time, while I'm disappointed, there is so much comfort and security in knowing that under me there always will be His everlasting arms. Heart of my own heart whatever befall Still be my vision, O ruler of all

I just shortchanged myself in my interview today. I knew so much more than the waffly cotton candy answers I gave my interviewers. I found out that I was among the 3 of maybe 15 who were shortlisted. That was really encouraging, but I didn't give enough meaty answers for them to sink their teeth into. So close yet so far. Why Dad, why am I so bad at interviews? I prepared so hard and what I delivered was horrible. But even if I don't get this position and I might feel really sad, "underneath are Your everlasting arms!" After interviews I tend to beat myself up on things I should have or should not have said, but somehow God is guarding my heart and mind. A little bit of that is happening. But God is reminding me that self-knowledge is different from self-reproach. Self-reproach says I am an incompetent failure and I should quit trying. Self-knowledge (knowledge of myself in the way God sees me) is perhaps being honest with myself that my interviewers pr...

I got to the next stage for my interview :) And this is for a position with kids and teens. But instead of rejoicing, I'm crumbling in fear, and am preparing myself for failure. The past hour I have been re-reading and puzzling over Isaiah 26:3, "You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in You, all whose thoughts are fixed on You! Trust in the Lord always for the Lord God is the eternal rock", even reading it aloud while emphasising different words in the verse, and asking God to help me trust Him, fix my thoughts on Him and give me His perfect peace because my heart feels like it is filled to the brim with fear. I want to protect myself from failure by remaining cynical, expecting failure, not even bothering to try and writing myself off as being "at the bottom of the heap" - but no, You want me to dream.. hope.. invest.. trust You.. rejoice in You, not trust in my own abilities, my way of coping with struggles (i.e., to run and hide) or my way of look...

Today I caught up with a friend at 7:30am! She's probably the only friend who would do it with me! Not that I don't love my other friends who aren't morning people. Haha. I just get this thrill of either quietly enjoying the quietness of the morning or doing lots of things when the world around me is still stirring (when it's not winter). And I really really am thankful that my burden is lighter with friends helping me to bear it. Thanks, Dad. :)

God has been encouraging me since I got my results. :) Through a friend I met yesterday. After I honestly expressed that I have serious concerns about failing next year, she said: "Come on. Look how far God has brought you. Do you really think He'll abandon you now?" Through His amazing comforts and peace as I continue to walk through my days with Him. Through His Word this morning in Romans 11:33-36: "Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! ..His paths beyond tracing out! ..Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been His counsellor?" What encouraged me about this truth? That His paths are beyond tracing out - so I should stop worrying about my future and trusting that God has plans for me, plans I cannot trace out myself despite my best efforts, plans so great, so personal, so loving, so full of His character, designed to bring Him glory. And He will guide me to it. That no one is God's counsellor. God is the Gre...

That was my grade for my entire year. But this grade does not define me, my worth is secure as God's child. I am really confused with the feedback my supervisors and examiners have given me this year. "You smile too much. Try to smile less or your clients might think you lack empathy." "You're doing really well. You've improved heaps. You're so empathetic and come off as really professional." "You're too technical and show no feelings. You don't know how you affect others, you need to be more self-aware." The last comment was the most recent feedback I received, and for that interaction, I got a "pass with reservations". Sigh. I'm frustrated. Disappointed. In a bid to salvage my self-esteem, I wanna just shrug my shoulders and tell myself apathetically that grades don't matter, they are just grades afterall. But if I'm really honest, it matters. It matters because a lot is at stake - if I fail my c...

This really speaks to my heart. Much of my life has not turned out as I had planned it. But to remember that it is God redirecting my paths reminds me that I should hold on to my plans loosely, and not get discouraged, weary, resentful or cynical (all are things I struggle with). I pray that God will use this amaaziiinng truth to prompt me to continuously submit to His thoughts, plans and ways in childlike trust and humility. I am not my own. I have been bought with a price. My life is about loving Jesus and making His name great, not mine. When things just don't go as I've planned, dreams are shattered and hopes dashed, I pray that God will help me keep singing the lines of this beautiful song: Be still, my soul. Thy Jesus can repay From His own fullness all He takes away. From "Not by sight" by Jon Bloom (slightly paraphrased) There are times, while seeking to follow God faithfully, we find ourselves in a desperate moment, forced to a place we would not choos...

Does anyone get really stressed out in the kitchen? Ooohh, me! Me! I do! I do! And for a long time, this has kept me away from the kitchen. Too hard. Too stressful. Until the start of this year. Until I stayed over at a a really good friend's place and there was something about her love for cooking that just made me wanna cook for the sheer enjoyment of it rather than cooking perfect dishes. And I have really started cooking for fun a lot more this year than I have any other year of my life. At first, I still got really stressed out. I had to play the audio bible in the background or hum Christian songs to myself so that I didn't get so stressed. I sometimes still do, but it has gotten so much better because God has been working in my heart. :) This friend hasn't only inspired me to cook, she has encouraged me in so many ways - she drinks deeply from the bottomless well of love God has shown her, and she goes on to share that love with others (including me!) s...

I went to watch the Sound of Music yesterday! Still "hungover" from the amazing performance! :) They sang EVERY SONG from the movie.. and more. Julie Andrews is a really hard act to follow, but the leading actress did an amazing job. The children were spectacular! Also loved how they redid the choreography for the cuckoo song. Haha. Musicals are so worth it mann.. I would skip ten movies so I can save up for ONE musical! Here are bits and pieces of lyrics from the musical that are swirling around happily in my head! :D "To laugh like a brook When it trips and falls Over stones on its way. To sing through the night Like a lark who is learning to pray." "My heart will be blessed with the sound of music.. and I'll sing once more." "Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens Brown paper packages tied up with strings These are a few of my favourite things!" "She's always late ...

From "A praying life" by Paul E. Miller This is by far one of my favourite excerpts on prayer. I love how Miller reminds us that we should just be who we are (our filthy messy lazy selves) before God, and not try and pretend that we are tidy enough to meet Him in prayer.

By Anthony Doerr, "All the light we cannot see" And one cold Tuesday in December, when Marie-Laure has been blind for over a year, her father walks her up rue Cuvier to the edge of the Jardin des Plantes. "Here, ma chérie, is the path we take every morning. Through the cedars up ahead is the Grand Gallery." "I know, Papa." He picks her up and spins her around three times. "Now," he says, "you're going to take us home." Her mouth drops open. "I want you to think of the model, Marie." "But I can't possibly!" "I'm one step behind you. I won't let anything happen. You have your cane. You know where you are." "I do not!" "You do." Exasperation. She cannot even say if the gardens are ahead or behind. "Calm yourself, Marie. One centimeter at a time." "I'm far, Papa. Six blocks, at least." "Six blocks is exactly right. U...

God wants us to be happy in Him, in nothing but Him. For whatever a man trusts in, from that He expects happiness. He who is the ground of our faith Should be the substance of our joy. So Daddy, Whatever comes my way, whatever internship I get, whether I pass my practical exam next year, however the neuropsychology course today turns out to be even though I am going on my own, how much progress I make with my thesis given however hard I try (by Your strength!), wherever You want me to be.. I want to keep being happy in You. What a privilege it is to rejoice in You.. that You require it of me for all the grace and mercy You have shown me. Habakkuk 3:17-19 Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my s...

I am a happy girl. I am a very happy girl. I am a very very happy girl. I am an extraordinarily happy girl. :) Over the past month, I've just had so much fun teaching social skills to a group of kids with social and attention difficulties. Today was my second to last session with them. Man, am I gonna miss it. I have been soooooo busy for the past 1, 2, 3, 4 years that I stopped a lot of my extra voluntary activities with kids at church or at the hospital. I have forgotten how much I enjoy working with kids! This was a compulsory part of my course. I just feel like it's a huge privilege to be able to do this. I think I enjoy working with kids more than the elderly and adults. I don't mind the latter two, but I think I love love love working with children more. My creative juices flow a lot more, my tenacity sharpens when faced with a difficult child, and joy just bubbles up. My leisure reading since I began placement consists of parenting articles, effective ...

How deep the Father's love for us, How vast beyond all measure That He should give His only Son To make a wretch His treasure

I am trying.. trying to figure out how to serve God with my time. Or maybe a more accurate way of phrasing this is I'm struggling and trying to give God (full) control over my time. Out of all my resources, time is the most precious resource to me and the hardest for me to give up to God. And this is very helpful as I ask God to show me how: "One reason we are so harried and hurried is that we make yesterday and tomorrow our business, when all that legitimately concerns us is today. If we really have too much to do, there are some items on the agenda which God did not put there. Let us submit the list to Him and ask Him to indicate which items we must delete. There is always time to do the will of God. If we are too busy to do that, we are too busy." Elisabeth Elliot "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

By Keith and Kristyn Getty, "Perfect wisdom of our God" Each strand of sorrow has a place Within this tapestry of grace So through the trials I choose to say "Your perfect will in Your perfect way"

I just had lunch with the girls who are a year above me, and man, I'm so freaked out about next year. :( Key advice was to finish my thesis this year, NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES. I've got 166 days (or 23 weeks and 5 days) to put together two journal articles and one full thesis. I was looking through some stuff people put on the net to motivate PhD students and the first few memes that popped out were of Ryan Gosling. -_- No way am I posting any memes of him on my blog. But you know what's (A LOT) more encouraging than Ryan Gosling? THIS: "Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS. Do not be anxious about anything, but in EVERYTHING by PRAYER and SUPPLICATION with THANKSGIVING let your requests be made known to God. And the PEACE of GOD, which SURPASSES all understanding, will GUARD your hearts and your minds IN Christ Jesus." Philipians 4:6-7 This is true even when you have so much to worry and be anxious about! Since I was 14 years old, this truth has really ...

I just love these tiny bits of wisdom from the Narnia series :-) This one's from Prince Caspian. “This is Caspian, Sir,” he said. And Caspian knelt and kissed the Lion’s paw. “Welcome, Prince,” said Aslan. “Do you feel yourself sufficient to take up the Kingship of Narnia?” “I—I don’t think I do, Sir,” said Caspian. “I’m only a kid.” “Good,” said Aslan. “If you had felt yourself sufficient, it would have been a proof that you were not. Therefore, under us and under the High King, you shall be King of Narnia, Lord of Cair Paravel, and Emperor of the Lone Islands. You and your heirs while your race lasts.”

What is wrong with me?! I'm normally really good with my spending, but these past two weeks, I've felt this insatiable urge to spend on so many things. Mind you, I haven't spent a cent yet, but it's been on my mind. This is probably not a good idea, but I am going to list the stuff I really wanna purchase, you know, just in case I forget. :D 1. $30 Book - All the light we cannot see (but this I can borrow from the library) 2. $25 for a $50 online tea voucher (their tea tastes soo good, but no, just no) 3. $50 for this mineral clay mask and rosehip oil lip balm (apparently au naturale eeek tempted) 4. $40 A woolly top for winter and new tights (I see clothing sales everywhere agh but do I really need more clothes? :S) I think I'm definitely going to get #3, probably the closest to a "need" than the rest although it still doesn't necessarily qualify as one. Or maybe I should just lock up my credit card somewhere, and try and avoid going to t...

This past month I felt like God really wanted me to learn to ask Him. For what? I'm still learning, but I've been praying for anything and everything that's been on my heart like my needs, needs of others, (less frequently) world issues (of course my heart is super flawed, so at the same time, I've been praying that He will align my heart's desires with His and He has been correcting and leading me). There have just been situations, things that people have said to me, devotions and bible studies that just seemed to have the same theme: learn to ask Me. Without going into detail, the coincidences were so frequent, I really felt that God was trying to get my attention. And I'm finding that as I learn to ask God more and more on a regular basis: - I am really learning to depend on Him (I am learning to ask as a result of the realisation of my own spiritual poverty - I am just completely incapable of doing anything right for God in my own strength and I need t...

From A New Name asking for help when you really don’t want to being still when you’re used to being busy gently challenging someone who lashes out, but refusing to back down prayerfully putting your loved ones in God’s hands, instead of carrying them anxiously telling a friend how much they mean to you talking about Jesus and not just God saying no to some things so you can say a proper yes to others asking a stranger for coffee/getting to know someone new standing by someone who keeps letting you down keeping going though it’s hard and you’ve not been able to do it in the past choosing to hope instead of despair trying instead of playing it safe doing things differently (sometimes) staying silent when you want to speak up and speaking up when you want to stay silent being vulnerable first admitting you don’t have the answers not doing it just because everyone else is believing what you can’t see, more than what you can feeling scared and still doing it looking weak when the world a...

My transition back to my normal routine has not been all smooth sailing. I’m blogging about these tiny mishaps now to remind myself to not take myself so seriously ;) Incident 1: My friend persuaded me to get a gel manicure. She said it looked way better than normal manicures (it costs more too). She was right, but I got the manicure without having any idea whatsoever that UV light was used to set the gel and how hard it would be to remove it. :( Since I was on holiday, I choose a slightly more outrageous colour and planned to remove it before I started my placement in three weeks. No big deal. I left the task of removing my gel manicure to the night before my work placement started. I was horrified when NOTHING came off after I rubbed my nails with a cotton wool dipped in acetone. It was then I realised that I may need to show up with bright green fingers on my first day of work. Pretty horrific stuff, I know. I consulted youtube and apparently, to remove gel manicures, y...

Just a quick post on my month-long break. Ah, if only I had more time! And so, I have been on a one-month holiday to visit family and friends. Totally unplanned, but surprisingly, everything just worked out somehow. I really felt a peace about this trip. Sometimes I feel really guilty when I take a holiday because I have a thesis etc to write but this time, I didn't entertain any feelings of guilt because I really felt that somehow, God wanted me to take this trip and have this holiday! I went into this last minute trip firmly intending to give out as much as I could.. and I feel like I've been given so much more than I have given out, loved on so much than I have tried to love, and I've had waaaay more fun than I had anticipated I would! It was as though each day, God was pouring His deluge of blessings over me. I also learnt that: 1. I must always ask Him (and not just keep quiet and "get on with life" as I often do), because He loves to guide and provi...

I just feel like I've messed up again, and made a couple of really dumb decisions. Sigh. And it would have been better if I were the only one "implicated", but when there's someone else affected.. If only I had better foresight in that moment. But what's done is done. What will beating myself up accomplish? Really, what do you do with days like this? When you feel like a complete, utter failure? When I am made aware of how icky and yuck my heart is, despite my best efforts to love God? I guess, it would be good to have more days like this, because on other days, the truth of the matter (about the real state of my heart) is ignorantly tucked away behind my conscience. I know that You endured so much suffering to not just restore our relationship with You, but also with one another. That is amazing. That You would actually like to have coffee with someone like me. That You would call someone like me Your friend. That You would die in the place of someo...

Dogs are such a big responsibility. You need to make sure they get enough exercise everyday, you need to brush a dog like mine almost every other day, prepare their meals, trim their nails every month, cut their hair every 3 weeks (saves a lot of money if you don't send them to the groomers), shower them every 2-3 weeks (if you have an indoor dog like mine), clean their eyes every morning, wipe their mouth after every meal, take them to the vet every year and whenever they fall ill, put the anti-flea stuff every month.. .. and now, I notice my dog has some plaque build-up on his teeth. So I also have to start buying a dog toothbrush and toothpaste to clean his teeth at least 3 times a week, and buy raw chicken neck regularly for him to clean his teeth. I have so much work to do, I can't be the only one doing this. Feels a bit overwhelming. Sigh. But Tintin you're so worth it.

By Matilda Betham-Edwards God make my life a little light, Within the world to glow, A tiny flame that burneth bright, Wherever I may go. God make my life a little flower, That giveth joy to all; Content to bloom in native bower Although its place be small. God make my life a little song, That comforteth the sad; That helpeth others to be strong, And makes the singer glad. God make my life a little staff Whereon the weak may rest, That so what health and strength I have May serve my neighbor best. God make my life a little hymn Of tenderness and praise, Of faith, that never waxeth dim, In all His wondrous ways.

Count it  all joy,  my brothers, when you meet  trials of various kinds,  for you know that the  testing  of your  faith  produces  steadfastness . And let  steadfastness  have its  full effect , that you may be  perfect and complete ,  lacking in nothing. James 1:2 The "all" catches my eye.  Not be "kinda joyful", not consider it all pain or all sorrow or all dread, but "all joy". Why such a hard command, Dad? Yet I know while I can't even find a shred of joy in this situation, Your Spirit in me will help me and enable me. When you face "various kinds" of trials, not just the less mortifying stuff or the more short term stuff, but a nice wide array of them. Why? Because the process we go through during these trials tests our faith. By the way, I got an "E" on that faith test.  I've learnt that I'm one great doubter which has made me unstable in all I do. Yeah, and these trials have shown me that I w...

I've spent more time this weekend worshipping God in song than I have done in a wee while and it's amazing the things He reveals to you when you worship Him. Next time, when I'm confused and stressed, I'm just going to praise Him and thank Him for everything that He is and has done. I told God yesterday that I wanted to pick up where I had left off with Him, to again continue in the things He has put in my heart to do with Him. Tough times have chipped away at my faith. I have doubted and been the person James describes as being "tossed by the waves, unstable in all he does" leading me to do almost everything in my life half-heartedly. But God is my matchless King. Why should I doubt? All glory, authority and power is His. He is above all my sadness, despair, pain, hardships, discomfort, discouragement, hopelessness, frustration and constant failings, sins and weaknesses. He is above all oppression, brokenness, injustice, disease - ALL evil. H...

I am exceptionally gifted and talented in one area: LOSING MY THINGS -_- It's what you call being disorganised and scatterbrained. One minute it'll be in my hand, the next minute it's gone and I can't recall where I've put it. I've been furiously journalling during my 2-week break. It's been so refreshing. This morning I have so much I want to journal about, but I can't seem to find my journal! And I've 20 minutes left before I need to head out the door. Tidied my whole room, still no sign of it. I am reminded about a prayer I heard an aunt of mine pray that sounded something like this: Dear God, Forgive me for being so careless. I repent from my carelessness. Teach me to be more responsible. Lead me to where I've put my .... In Jesus' name, Amen. I was so challenged by that prayer - by how she naturally involves God in everything and seeks to honour Him in every aspect of her life no matter how small. :) 

I see light returning to eyes that were once vacant, preoccupied, sad and troubled for so long now. I'm scared that this is just something fleeting, but I push that thought away. Because I know it's something more: God is doing something new in your heart. Waiting on God.. no matter how long.. is always worth the wait. :)