Skip to main content

Expectations

I just finished a major biology test! Wheee! Just fell into one big heap of elation when it was over. I've a test in 2 weeks but that can wait awhile. Need to enjoy myself nw and going to the cinema for the first time in ages. 

I've been so bogged down lately by this intense pressure of wanting to get into medicine. 
Few weeks ago the pressure was so intense the dam just burst aft my bio lab. We were making a model of a human embryo, it was fascinating and fun, you get to use a special clay and all (felt like kindy!), we even had background music. However, it was an assessment, and towards the end.. when time was almost up, I found I had looped my embryo's  vein over it's kidney and to redo it would take some time, and the vein was so narrow I just made a mess of it when I tried to repair it so I got shooed away by the lab assistant without repairing that vein. I think that lab was abt 5% to my overall mark. That isn't much right? But I had a major Bio test the next day coupled with the fact that I made a mess of my embryo, ahh, I just felt like a failure. So the moment I got into the bus, I ambled for my sunglasses and started tearing away, "Gone.. gone.. gone were the dreams of getting into medicine. I'll never fulfil God's purpose for me. I'm such a failure." I was exhausted and my emotions worn to a frazzle. 

So who do you call when you're in a fix? Mum's the word! Called my mum up at work and something she said just opened my eyes, it made me see things from a different vantage point. I told her I felt like I was disappointing her and God. Without missing a beat, Mum told me "No. You know who you're disappointing? Yourself. Not me. Not God. God loves you. Maybe, if you don't get into medicine, it isn't what He's planning for you. Just do your best and trust Him."

Praise God! I gave it alll to him! You know, oddly, when your concentration upon God is strenous, everything else ceases to be so. Felt strangely lighter after that, like. 

I realise that what matters most in my academic pursuit is not to ace all my subjects but rather, to give God my best. So what if I don't get into med? I know that they very rarely (if ever) take in new migrants who aren't paying International Student fees, but regardless of the outcome - I want to find joy in what I'm doing and look to God and just give Him my best. My worth doesn't depend on whether or not I get into med. I don't wanna be so tied down by this fear of failing. 
How can one run a race marked for her with weights tied to her legs? Yet, that's what I've been doing. 

I'll put my trust in God and let Him lead me to whatever degree He wants me to do.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Uncomfortable memories

I wanted to reflect on a few things I couldn't do when I had my disc injury last year because again, I think it's important to see how far God has brought me. Warning that this is a hard read/ a bit of a downer, but it also might help you be grateful for so many movements we take for granted! These were 7 things I couldn't do at the height of my pain, but thankfully can now do. 1. Cutting my toenails - bending over was so painful and so hard for a few months and needed help with clipping them, which was so humbling 🦶🏻🦶🏻 2. Changing - it was quite painful to twist my body to change my clothes. Gosh I remember having so little motivation to get out of my pajamas or not even caring what I wear for work when I usually enjoy dressing up 🧥👚👗 3. Sitting - probably the most painful activity of all, and I still have limits to this. For about 6 months, I could only sit for 30 mins before I experienced the disc pain. Those were the days where I had to stand up every 30 minutes ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Just keep swimming

I think God is really really teaching me a lesson of perseverance in this season of my recovery. This season has undeniably bore such beautiful gifts, and the frustrations it comes with are real and tough too. Sometimes, I just ask God questions, not knowing if He will answer, but trusting that He lends me His ears to hear me. How much longer, God? Why can't I (fill in the blanks with my frustrations towards myself)?  Why can't You (fill in the blanks with my frustrations towards God)? At the heart of these questions, I think the main question I ask God is:  Do You see me God? Do You care for me? My most recent question I asked God is why did You allow this recent flare-up with my back to happen?  Everything was going so well and then You allowed me to have a setback. This even happened just before I was planning to join my church music team to play for an Alpha camp. I had to plan the day so I made sure I had enough rest and I couldn't as carefreely serve. Th...
2 comments
Read more

Worries big and small

I remembered asking God why.. so often while I'm singing or while listening to the pastor preach or when I'm at my small group, my strength is renewed, my cares are released and my faith deepened. But not long after, I return to my tasks and responsibilities with drudgery and I worry worry worry worry worry. I got my answer through this sermon I was listening to: it's because though I lay my burdens down while I'm at church, at the end of the church service - I pick up my burdens and take the whole pile with me out the door. Ha. And this little article I just read (below) is pretty much saying the same thing, really blessed by it! ‘Casting all of your anxiety on Him because he cares for you’ 1 Peter 5:7. The word casting means to throw upon. It’s a deliberate forceful throwing. Some suggest Peter used this term because he was a fisherman and that involves taking a fishing net and forcefully throwing it out from the boat. Peter is actually quoting from Psalm 55:22...
6 comments
Read more