Skip to main content

Your grace

I just feel like I've messed up again, and made a couple of really dumb decisions. Sigh.

And it would have been better if I were the only one "implicated", but when there's someone else affected..

If only I had better foresight in that moment.

But what's done is done. What will beating myself up accomplish?

Really, what do you do with days like this? When you feel like a complete, utter failure?
When I am made aware of how icky and yuck my heart is, despite my best efforts to love God?

I guess, it would be good to have more days like this, because on other days, the truth of the matter (about the real state of my heart) is ignorantly tucked away behind my conscience.

I know that You endured so much suffering to not just restore our relationship with You, but also with one another. That is amazing. That You would actually like to have coffee with someone like me. That You would call someone like me Your friend. That You would die in the place of someone like me. I just don't know what to make of this love You have for us.

But you know, the yuckier I realise my heart really is and the uglier my situation is, the lovelier, the purer, the brighter God's love becomes to me.

By Your (costly) grace, I get up again and look to the cross. Rather than living with this half-conscious guilt, I pray that You will help me face these uneasy feelings and see my disobedience as You see it (and not hide behind excuses). For starters, I was proud, selfish, wrong. And I ask that You forgive me and show me what it means to live for You.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Uncomfortable memories

I wanted to reflect on a few things I couldn't do when I had my disc injury last year because again, I think it's important to see how far God has brought me. Warning that this is a hard read/ a bit of a downer, but it also might help you be grateful for so many movements we take for granted! These were 7 things I couldn't do at the height of my pain, but thankfully can now do. 1. Cutting my toenails - bending over was so painful and so hard for a few months and needed help with clipping them, which was so humbling 🦶🏻🦶🏻 2. Changing - it was quite painful to twist my body to change my clothes. Gosh I remember having so little motivation to get out of my pajamas or not even caring what I wear for work when I usually enjoy dressing up 🧥👚👗 3. Sitting - probably the most painful activity of all, and I still have limits to this. For about 6 months, I could only sit for 30 mins before I experienced the disc pain. Those were the days where I had to stand up every 30 minutes ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Just keep swimming

I think God is really really teaching me a lesson of perseverance in this season of my recovery. This season has undeniably bore such beautiful gifts, and the frustrations it comes with are real and tough too. Sometimes, I just ask God questions, not knowing if He will answer, but trusting that He lends me His ears to hear me. How much longer, God? Why can't I (fill in the blanks with my frustrations towards myself)?  Why can't You (fill in the blanks with my frustrations towards God)? At the heart of these questions, I think the main question I ask God is:  Do You see me God? Do You care for me? My most recent question I asked God is why did You allow this recent flare-up with my back to happen?  Everything was going so well and then You allowed me to have a setback. This even happened just before I was planning to join my church music team to play for an Alpha camp. I had to plan the day so I made sure I had enough rest and I couldn't as carefreely serve. Th...
2 comments
Read more

Worries big and small

I remembered asking God why.. so often while I'm singing or while listening to the pastor preach or when I'm at my small group, my strength is renewed, my cares are released and my faith deepened. But not long after, I return to my tasks and responsibilities with drudgery and I worry worry worry worry worry. I got my answer through this sermon I was listening to: it's because though I lay my burdens down while I'm at church, at the end of the church service - I pick up my burdens and take the whole pile with me out the door. Ha. And this little article I just read (below) is pretty much saying the same thing, really blessed by it! ‘Casting all of your anxiety on Him because he cares for you’ 1 Peter 5:7. The word casting means to throw upon. It’s a deliberate forceful throwing. Some suggest Peter used this term because he was a fisherman and that involves taking a fishing net and forcefully throwing it out from the boat. Peter is actually quoting from Psalm 55:22...
6 comments
Read more