Holding the fear and dread in, I told my manager, L, that I was starting clinical work at my uni on Monday, but will continue to come to work at the hospital from Tuesday to Friday (which is 2 hours away from my uni, so lots of driving for me). “Please pray for me,” I said, almost in a pleading tone.
“E and I miss praying with you in the mornings, Abby, and we are still praying for you,” was her reply. Feeling guilty about how I have been withdrawing from people lately, I apologised for not updating her on how I was going the past few weeks.
“As I’ve been praying for you, God was showing me how He specifically chose this place for you to work in. While we don’t exactly tick the boxes needed for your exam over here and are not as structured as your uni requires you to be, you have learnt to engage with very difficult patients and that will make you a much better clinician and mentor in the future. Imagine finishing your training and only knowing how to tick boxes like your uni wants you to. What a shallow clinician you would be.”
“That’s true,” my voice trailed off. Lately, I have started to struggle again to see past this failure.
“I haven’t been doing well,” I confessed. “I really don’t understand why God says that those who trust in Him will never be put to shame, but why do I feel so ashamed about going to my uni, and meeting my lecturers, tutors and other students?”
“You are carrying such a heavy burden, Abby. I understand why you would feel this way, but you don’t have to,” L said. “Those thoughts are not from God. Hold your head high when you go in there. God will vindicate and justify you as he says in Psalm 37.”
I replied, "I felt such a need to quiet down the noise in my mind and heart, and when I calmed my heart down, I heard God just saying to me, 'Abby, I'm sad'. I ignored His voice in anger, but His voice came back, and so I asked Him why. And God showed me that He was sad about the way I've been acting towards the people around me, and how I was hurting myself and them in the process, and it was hard for Him to watch."
L said in reply, "See how He is still talking to You and You can still hear His voice even with everything that's going on. See how God spoke to you when you obeyed Him to just be still. Abby, I can't tell you how many times you've said to me, 'God's been showing me..'. You could write a book called 'God's been showing me' ".
“I feel like you’re my little sister, Abby, even though you’re young enough to be my daughter and I’m old enough to be your mum. You are so precious, don’t ever forget that," she said while giving me a "squinkle".
“I gave you a squinkle," L said. "A squinkle is a hug and a twitch of your fingers at the end. My dad used to give me a squinkle and that always used to make me smile."
“E and I miss praying with you in the mornings, Abby, and we are still praying for you,” was her reply. Feeling guilty about how I have been withdrawing from people lately, I apologised for not updating her on how I was going the past few weeks.
“As I’ve been praying for you, God was showing me how He specifically chose this place for you to work in. While we don’t exactly tick the boxes needed for your exam over here and are not as structured as your uni requires you to be, you have learnt to engage with very difficult patients and that will make you a much better clinician and mentor in the future. Imagine finishing your training and only knowing how to tick boxes like your uni wants you to. What a shallow clinician you would be.”
“That’s true,” my voice trailed off. Lately, I have started to struggle again to see past this failure.
“I haven’t been doing well,” I confessed. “I really don’t understand why God says that those who trust in Him will never be put to shame, but why do I feel so ashamed about going to my uni, and meeting my lecturers, tutors and other students?”
“You are carrying such a heavy burden, Abby. I understand why you would feel this way, but you don’t have to,” L said. “Those thoughts are not from God. Hold your head high when you go in there. God will vindicate and justify you as he says in Psalm 37.”
I replied, "I felt such a need to quiet down the noise in my mind and heart, and when I calmed my heart down, I heard God just saying to me, 'Abby, I'm sad'. I ignored His voice in anger, but His voice came back, and so I asked Him why. And God showed me that He was sad about the way I've been acting towards the people around me, and how I was hurting myself and them in the process, and it was hard for Him to watch."
L said in reply, "See how He is still talking to You and You can still hear His voice even with everything that's going on. See how God spoke to you when you obeyed Him to just be still. Abby, I can't tell you how many times you've said to me, 'God's been showing me..'. You could write a book called 'God's been showing me' ".
“I feel like you’re my little sister, Abby, even though you’re young enough to be my daughter and I’m old enough to be your mum. You are so precious, don’t ever forget that," she said while giving me a "squinkle".
“I gave you a squinkle," L said. "A squinkle is a hug and a twitch of your fingers at the end. My dad used to give me a squinkle and that always used to make me smile."
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