Every now and then, I still get down about how I failed my exam and stare listlessly into space as the date of my exam resit draws near.
Sure, there are some things outside of my control that I can't change that may be making things harder for me. Other people, for example.
But really, the only thing I have control over is my response. (Get ready, this future therapist is about to validate herself and normalise her response) If anything, it is so normal for me to feel this down, this frightened, this upset, this angry over all that's happened and given what's happened after. Is it reasonable for me to expect myself to find it easy, to sail through, to not get upset, to get everything right as I practice for my finals? No, that's quite unreasonable of me and these rigid standards are probably not helping me. I do need to give myself a break :)
However, at the same time, I need to both give myself permission to find this hard, but also, I need to reach for God's hand above the pit to pull me out of it so I can continue to serve others for Him. I share in His glory, yet I share in His suffering too. I know He calls me to die to myself and follow Him. In this situation, I need to let go of my "wounded victim" status and move on to.. umm, can't think of a non-cheesy contrast to wounded victim. :) I just feel after this has happened, I just want to isolate myself and not spend time with anyone. How helpful is that, really? How do I build others up in this state of mind, state of heart?
Instead of telling myself what I should or should not be doing, I need to be waiting on God with all that I am, and He promises me that I will rise up on wings like eagles.. then I will find new strength as I find myself in Him, in the story He is writing about my life. I can't give to others when I'm this broken, unless He gives me strength.
Now, I am about to get a little side-tracked here, but just wanted to talk about some things that God's used to encourage me.
1. Leicester City winning the Premier League this year. Sometimes when I feel really discouraged about my failure, I read articles about Leicester City winning the Premier League like this and this, from how they came from pretty much nothing.. I don't know my football that well, but from what I understand, they've never won the League EVER, and of late, they only got as far as the Champions League, not the Premier League. Whoever placed their bet on Leicester City was laughed at, apparently there was only a 5000 to 1 chance of them winning, given their history of failing. Their players only amount to a quarter of the players in the top teams. Their current manager was about to be sacked. They've been "losers" for decades, no one looks up to them and they have never ever once in history won the Premier League. Yet, (I like to think that) they held their head high because of their love and passion for the game, their rebellion in letting societal standards color their evaluation of their worth, and persevered despite their team's repeated, countless, historical failures.
2. This article :') Teacher's uplifting letter to failed student Of course, we're all grown-ups now and we all can handle failures and don't need heartfelt encouragement like that. Of course, it's too much of me to expect this from my examiners. Why am I deaf to the encouraging words of my supervisor, my managers, my colleagues who have seen my work and the impact it has on my patients? They are doing for me exactly the same thing this teacher did for her student. They tell me that this exam is not the sum of my worth, there are so many more precious qualities I have that this exam was not able to measure. Why am I deaf to the encouraging words of my Savior, and the love and mercy He has shown me on the cross? Do I think He would have done that for all of us if by passing exams we would be able to know Him, be known by Him and our hearts and souls would be at rest? Why do I think I would be worth more if I pass and that I am worthless if I don't?
These are so hard questions I am asking myself, Dad.
For now, I quiet myself and I wait on You. x
Sure, there are some things outside of my control that I can't change that may be making things harder for me. Other people, for example.
But really, the only thing I have control over is my response. (Get ready, this future therapist is about to validate herself and normalise her response) If anything, it is so normal for me to feel this down, this frightened, this upset, this angry over all that's happened and given what's happened after. Is it reasonable for me to expect myself to find it easy, to sail through, to not get upset, to get everything right as I practice for my finals? No, that's quite unreasonable of me and these rigid standards are probably not helping me. I do need to give myself a break :)
However, at the same time, I need to both give myself permission to find this hard, but also, I need to reach for God's hand above the pit to pull me out of it so I can continue to serve others for Him. I share in His glory, yet I share in His suffering too. I know He calls me to die to myself and follow Him. In this situation, I need to let go of my "wounded victim" status and move on to.. umm, can't think of a non-cheesy contrast to wounded victim. :) I just feel after this has happened, I just want to isolate myself and not spend time with anyone. How helpful is that, really? How do I build others up in this state of mind, state of heart?
Instead of telling myself what I should or should not be doing, I need to be waiting on God with all that I am, and He promises me that I will rise up on wings like eagles.. then I will find new strength as I find myself in Him, in the story He is writing about my life. I can't give to others when I'm this broken, unless He gives me strength.
Now, I am about to get a little side-tracked here, but just wanted to talk about some things that God's used to encourage me.
1. Leicester City winning the Premier League this year. Sometimes when I feel really discouraged about my failure, I read articles about Leicester City winning the Premier League like this and this, from how they came from pretty much nothing.. I don't know my football that well, but from what I understand, they've never won the League EVER, and of late, they only got as far as the Champions League, not the Premier League. Whoever placed their bet on Leicester City was laughed at, apparently there was only a 5000 to 1 chance of them winning, given their history of failing. Their players only amount to a quarter of the players in the top teams. Their current manager was about to be sacked. They've been "losers" for decades, no one looks up to them and they have never ever once in history won the Premier League. Yet, (I like to think that) they held their head high because of their love and passion for the game, their rebellion in letting societal standards color their evaluation of their worth, and persevered despite their team's repeated, countless, historical failures.
2. This article :') Teacher's uplifting letter to failed student Of course, we're all grown-ups now and we all can handle failures and don't need heartfelt encouragement like that. Of course, it's too much of me to expect this from my examiners. Why am I deaf to the encouraging words of my supervisor, my managers, my colleagues who have seen my work and the impact it has on my patients? They are doing for me exactly the same thing this teacher did for her student. They tell me that this exam is not the sum of my worth, there are so many more precious qualities I have that this exam was not able to measure. Why am I deaf to the encouraging words of my Savior, and the love and mercy He has shown me on the cross? Do I think He would have done that for all of us if by passing exams we would be able to know Him, be known by Him and our hearts and souls would be at rest? Why do I think I would be worth more if I pass and that I am worthless if I don't?
These are so hard questions I am asking myself, Dad.
For now, I quiet myself and I wait on You. x
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