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I remember

I just spent three weeks in Europe with my extended family and one of my closest friends, all of whom I love to bits. I haven't seen one of my cousins for like 8 years and another friend for like 5 years? (I don't know how long!) I wasn't supposed to go, because I'm supposed to be writing my thesis and seeing more clients to prepare for my exam. I have been reasonably traumatized from all that's taken place (self-diagnosis: acute stress disorder with anxiety and depressive symptoms) and I felt like I really really needed to have a break.

I really thank You, God, for this opportunity. I just felt like "I", not my uni, was in control of my time. Sometimes I just feel so "trapped", and I'm trying so hard to keep it together.

And during those three weeks away..
I remember how it was to just be me, and not have to try so hard to meet the world's (or my uni's) expectations.
I remember what it's like to just goof around and be silly.
I remember what it's like to just be loved, feel safe to be me.
I remember what it's like to love life and go after the desires of my heart, and not stifle it.

Thank You, dear God. But I am struggling to acclimatize back to the level of stress I am under. I want so much to be on holiday still and I have been having dreams of travelling. Sigh. God, please give me strength for what You have me do. I look to You, my Saviour and my God.

Something that really spoke to me during my trip were the lyrics of this German song, "Mittlepunkt". My cousin arranged for us to visit his church, and he and his friend translated the entire service (and song lyrics) for us.

There's a part of the song that goes like this:
Sei Du der Mittlepunkt in meiner Schwäche (Be the centre of my weakness)
der Mittlepunkt in meiner Stärke (Be the centre of my strength)
ich gehöre Dir (I belong to You)

It really spoke to me because I hate my weaknesses, and I'm so frustrated with how my anxiety and lack of confidence has been tripping me up so much in my course. I think I have some really good strengths as a therapist and I am pretty proud of that. But GOD, You be the centre. It's OK that I'm weak and I fail, YOU be the centre, YOU are my perfect Saviour, I cannot even save myself even if I tried. And unto YOU I consecrate my talents and my gifts.

Help me, God the next three months. It will be a very hard three months, but please be the centre of my weakness and the centre of my strength. I love You and thank You.

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