Nearing the finish line

I have not blogged in such a long time. I guess blogging reminds me of writing my thesis, which to be honest, I haven't really enjoyed. Haha.

Where am I now?

I am (nearly) done with my doctorate - my thesis is due at the end of May, and I'm gearing up to submit it by then. Then, it takes around 6 months for examiners to mark it. In the meantime, I am looking out for possible jobs that I can apply for. It's exciting that I am nearly there. However, because this journey has been so rough and looooooong (much like the mountain I climbed over the weekend which left my thighs feeling quite sore), I feel less passionate than when I first started pursuing this dream of mine. The disappointments have been hard on this traveller's feet.

I think when I first set out to pursue a career, I was caught between many things: what I wanted, what my parents want, what society expects of me, and what does God want. While I've been pursuing this career, I have been so focused on getting past the finish line that I have forgotten a little about who God made me to be and who He is.

I have always preferred the easiest path - the straight highway, rather than the meandering uphill and downhill detours. This definitely was reflected in my choices when I was younger (and till today, though less than before, thanking You Jesus):- going for Pharmacy (the straight highway) rather than Clinical Psychology (the detour) at first, and choosing subjects at uni that would be easiest to pass rather than the ones that I have an interest in, but know it would be much more challenging.

But God had vastly different plans for me than I had for myself. 

A dear sister summed up my journey really well in a very precious email she wrote to me:

"I was reading about Sodom and Gomorrah. Lot was told to flee by God's angels, but he chose to beg to be kept safe in a small town quite close by. After begging many times, he managed to persuade them to agree and as you know, his wife looked back (even though she was told not to) and was turned to salt. 

I was thinking this story relates to all of us, but you were on my heart the most. In times of adversity or challenge, we can be so afraid, out of control or out of our comfort zone that in our panic/ pain/ stress we might ask God to take us to the first safe place, the easiest safe place, the nearest safe place even when He is telling us to go on further in our journey and like Lot's wife we may even (very likely) look  back at what's happened not from a point of reflection and growth, but a rehashing of old hurts and fears.

In doing that we run the risk that He may eventually agree and let us go to a quicker solution/ place/ time BUT by doing that, we limit His plan for us, we limit our ability in Him, we limit His Kingdom plans and purposes for us and (even if it's only for a while), we limit our own potential.

You are/ have been on a long journey, Abby, you have allowed God to take you past the 1st, the easiest, the nearest place of answer. You have allowed (not without struggle of course but that struggle has strengthened and grown you) God to direct your steps and map out your destination. Any looking back has been with reflection, acknowledgement, self-discipline and redirection.

And so, the time for blessing is coming - your obedience will reap a reward not only for you, but for many, many others - take heart - lives WILL change because of your trek."

Yes, so this has all challenged me to be bolder and more confident in my Jesus in the decisions that I make. I have tasted and seen His goodness in providing me with what I need, which in my case, was not the easiest route to success, but the harder one - the one paved with disappointments, doubt, failure, loneliness, many hours driving on the road.

On reflection, I think God is challenging me to change my perception of my finish line. My finish line right now is graduating, being established in my profession, achieving financial independence and stability. I have been so focused on keeping up with my friends and on myself.. I have lost sight of God and my need for Him. My spirit has not been a childlike one.

So what should my finish line look like? I am reminded of my grandpa who passed away a month ago. He left a stable job to serve as a priest, and my grandma tells me with a crinkle on her brow that they could not even afford to pay for a cup of coffee at the local coffee shop. Everything they purchased was paid on an "IOU" basis. Though he did not have much worldly possessions, my granddad laid his treasures in heaven, not on earth. He spent a lot of time with God and wrote many poems as he was reflecting and marveling at the wonderful mystery of the Gospel. 

I learnt during his funeral and wake services, of his deep concern for others to know Jesus and how he would sow untiringly in the fields around him to win souls for Christ. He spent a lot of his time visiting people to tell them about Jesus and would make the effort to know all of his parishioners by name. His name, "Michael", means godliness and the bible says that "godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come" (1 Timothy 4:8).

My granddad, who spent much time with God, had a different finish line. His finish line was one of knowing God, being known by God and bringing others to know Him. I pray that rather than being so scared of failing and so focused on meeting this world's expectations and gaining recognition in man's eyes, God will change my priorities and continue to unveil in me a deeper and deeper satisfaction in His love.. so that I too will lay my treasures in heaven and have the same finish line my granddad aimed for.

I know I will see my granddad again someday (thank You Jesus), and when I do, I would love to talk with him about the time God redefined his finish line.