Grieving

I am now flying back after three days of visiting my hometown. During those three days, I had a chance to celebrate my grandmother’s life with so many who love her. We knew that her condition was declining, but her passing took us all by surprise.

This emotion of grief is not a new one, but the intensity at which I am feeling it is. This is the first time I have ever lost someone so near and so dear to me. This emotion feels similar to a break-up, where there is this intense pain and longing, but it is so much worse. The reality that I will not get to see her again until I get to heaven is a hard one. And yet, as I typed that sentence, I realise that the reality that I will get to see her again is an incredibly comforting one.

When I walked into her living room and saw her body lying in the chiller, I expected to break down, but there was such a look of peace on her face that I could not help but quiet my heart and share in my grandma’s joy that she is now reunited with Jesus.

Over the past few days I have been feeling a kaleidoscope of emotions –
fear and uncertainty about how I can go on this life without my grandma’s loving presence with me,
utter shock and complete disbelief that my grandma is no longer here,
a deep sense of loss for someone who means so much to me and how my grandma will not be able to witness further milestones in life with me,
gratefulness to God for using my grandma as an example of His sacrificial love for me,
guilt wishing I had spent even more time with her than I had while she was on earth,
courage to ask God to help me slowly accept that I have lost her and to learn to keep looking to Him to guide me,
a deep sense of comfort and rest really knowing in my heart of hearts that God taking her so suddenly was really an answer to our prayers, 
a deeper trust, comfort and awe in God's perfect timing. He allowed her to spend some really funny and precious moments with her grandchildren and children two months before she passed (some who also flew from afar, myself included!), be a part of my cousin’s wedding, and meet with other close family and friends before she left.

My favourite part of celebrating her life was during her burial. It was just her close family members and some friends there. A large canopy had been set up over the burial site so that it could accommodate all of us under it. After they had lowered her coffin, all of us had a turn to place some flowers on top of her coffin before they covered it with soil. It was a beautiful cloudy day, and soon after we had thrown the flowers in, it began pouring with rain. I saw that rain as Jesus’ way of really grieving and weeping with our family over the loss of my Mah Mah. When they had sufficiently covered her coffin with soil, we placed all the beautiful flowers friends and family had gifted to us over her burial site. My aunt’s bible study group had gifted the most beautiful cross – flower arrangement to us and we placed it over her burial site. I couldn’t help thinking how much my grandma would have loved it. And finally, we lit lots of candles and placed it near the flowers. We lit a candle for family members who could not attend her funeral as well, and as we did, my uncle said a prayer of thanksgiving for her life and we sang one of her favourite songs, “Because He lives”. The rain stopped after we lit the candles for Mah Mah and left the cemetery to have a celebratory lunch, in honour of her and God who has worked so powerfully in and through her. That was truly a special moment and I really felt God’s abiding presence with us during that time.

My other favourite bit of celebrating her life has been all the stories my family and friends have been exchanging about my grandma. We have been reminiscing over Mah Mah’s naughtiness, sense of humour and wit, and how she really cared for and sought to be involved in our lives. And there is so much to thank God for in terms of how He has used her to bless our lives. She is and will always be so so dear to me, which I think is making it doubly painful for me now that she has passed.

The separation that death brings about is so painful. I know that Jesus weeps with me, and I know that He will give me the strength to carry on this life without my grandma. Even though it might feel that it is too hard to do so and that the pain is too hard to bear, I know that He will help me for He is greater than my heart. These emotions are so raw and so painful. I feel there is still so much to process and so much that I still need His help to learn to accept, but I know I will be okay because He is with me. I know Jesus is everything (and more) that my grandma is to me. I do not have to grieve as someone who does not have hope. And how can I not rejoice and be filled with gratitude towards Him for making that immense sacrifice on Calvary so that death will not ever ever be final. It is beyond me that Jesus would voluntarily undergo this similar pain of being separated from His Father when He took our sins upon Him on the cross. ‘Father Father, why have you forsaken me?’ was His cry on the cross. Jesus took the penalty that we deserve – the ultimate separation from His Father for us, and because of that we can be reunited with God again. There will be a day where His loved ones will all be reunited under His wing, and those who enter into His safe and loving arms will find total and complete rest and joy in Him. Words cannot express how grateful I am to You for doing that.

These were a few of the beautiful Scripture readings read during my grandma’s wake and funeral services. These words from God are so so comforting.

John 14:1-6, “Jesus said to His disciples, ‘Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God still, and trust in me. There are many rooms in my Father’s house; if there were not, I should have told you. I am going now to prepare a place for you, and after I have gone and prepared you a place, I shall return to take you with me; so that where I am you may be too. You know the way to the place where I am going.’ Thomas said, ‘Lord, we do not know where you are going, so how can we know the way?’ Jesus said, ‘I am the Way, the Truth and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.’ “

During Mah Mah’s funeral service, the priest reflected on how God had purposed and planned to take my grandma. She was taken because God had gone to prepare a place for her and that place was ready. It is really really comforting knowing that Mah Mah is with Jesus right now. No longer in pain, but experiencing so much joy in her Saviour and worshipping Him all day long in this place He has prepared for her.

Another verse that was read was 1 Peter 1:3-9, which is one of my and my sister’s favourite verses.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.”

Mah Mah endured many trials, toils and snares during her time on earth, and that suffering for “a little while” is now over. She is now greatly rejoicing with Jesus, and He is being glorified as we reflect on her life of faith and perseverance. This suffering of the pain of losing her will also be one that is for “a little while” and how I pray that God will help me to also rejoice during this time not only for Mah Mah, but also that I, too, will get to see Him face-to-face one day and enjoy Him forever.