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Seasons

I am in a different season in my life. A season of discipline and perseverance. I feel discouraged at times with how much work I have to do, repeated failures and I doubt myself so much. It's a season where I learn to face my deepest fears, learn to let go of them and fear the Lord instead. It's where I am learning to work hard passionately,  wholeheartedly rather than put off things because they're too scary. I am learning to discipline my mind to memorise precious chunks of psalms (not something I've done before), to be more aware of the lies of the enemy and to fix my thoughts and heart on God.

 I am in a season of weakness and dependence. It's uncomfortable, cold and hard. I feel ashamed at times. My fears and despair sometimes feel uncontrollable. Where I'm the one who is usually strong, supporting others and praying for them, now I have no strength. Now I am needing so much encouragement and prayers from others. I know what broken, hopeless and helpless feels like. Where I normally would stick it out on my own because I don't want to impose, I am needing to go to others for help. And how frustrated I am with my weakness. But slowly but surely, I know God is teaching me to depend on Him and those He has provided me, without shame. I know He is humbling me to a place so low, my pride in myself doesn't want to go there. Yet that is where I will see my Refiner and Saviour most clearly.

 I am in a season of restoration. I am learning what it's like to realise how weak I am and my need for my Father, quite different from when I was in the driver's seat with my agenda and dreams. I am learning what really really matters and cannot be taken away from us - and that is, Christ alone, my relationship with Him, my salvation and security can never be taken away. I am learning how to let go of bitterness and anger when clear injustice has been done towards me. I am learning what it's like to wait on God, persistently long for Him and give Him my dreams. I am learning to pursue these dreams passionately, wholeheartedly, but not let them be all-consuming. God alone is my all consuming fire.

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