That was my grade for my entire year. But this grade does not define me, my worth is secure as God's child.
I am really confused with the feedback my supervisors and examiners have given me this year.
"You smile too much. Try to smile less or your clients might think you lack empathy."
"You're doing really well. You've improved heaps. You're so empathetic and come off as really professional."
"You're too technical and show no feelings. You don't know how you affect others, you need to be more self-aware."
The last comment was the most recent feedback I received, and for that interaction, I got a "pass with reservations". Sigh. I'm frustrated. Disappointed. In a bid to salvage my self-esteem, I wanna just shrug my shoulders and tell myself apathetically that grades don't matter, they are just grades afterall.
But if I'm really honest, it matters. It matters because a lot is at stake - if I fail my clinical exam twice next year, I'm out of the programme and it means that I have wasted 4 years of my life. Even more so.. it matters because my ego is bruised and my future is not secure. I can almost taste failure next year because I honestly don't know how I can improve. This is just so "timely", I'm nervous enough for my internship interviews, and receiving feedback like this really affects my confidence.
It's hard too because I'm used to doing really well at school and at uni, and to be at the bottom of my class - it's embarassing, but humbling.
What do I do, Dad? What are You trying to teach me here? What if I really fail and get kicked out of the programme?
I think You are teaching me to find my contentment in You. For the man who has God and everything else has no more than the man who has only God. If there is a discrepancy, perhaps it's Your way of hinting to me that maybe I love something more than You, that You aren't my greatest joy and treasure. Even if I do get kicked out of the programme, I have You. You are always with me wherever I go. And in Your presence there is amazing comforts and fullness of joy. And even if I do end up completing the programme, through this, I know You want me to find my contentment in You and only You.
I think You are teaching me to find my rest in You. My worth is secure in You, I don't need to do anything to earn Your love. I do things out of love for You.
I think You are teaching me not to put my trust in things like academic or career success, to hold these things lightly and hold on to You tightly.
I think You are humbling me where before I felt a sense of self-importance because of my "strong interpersonal skills" and my academic ability - now this is stripped away - I can see how much I found value in that over who I am in You. And if I'm honest, a "child of God" is a far more precious and unshakeable and eternal identity than a "university professor" or a "clinical psychologist".
I am really confused with the feedback my supervisors and examiners have given me this year.
"You smile too much. Try to smile less or your clients might think you lack empathy."
"You're doing really well. You've improved heaps. You're so empathetic and come off as really professional."
"You're too technical and show no feelings. You don't know how you affect others, you need to be more self-aware."
The last comment was the most recent feedback I received, and for that interaction, I got a "pass with reservations". Sigh. I'm frustrated. Disappointed. In a bid to salvage my self-esteem, I wanna just shrug my shoulders and tell myself apathetically that grades don't matter, they are just grades afterall.
But if I'm really honest, it matters. It matters because a lot is at stake - if I fail my clinical exam twice next year, I'm out of the programme and it means that I have wasted 4 years of my life. Even more so.. it matters because my ego is bruised and my future is not secure. I can almost taste failure next year because I honestly don't know how I can improve. This is just so "timely", I'm nervous enough for my internship interviews, and receiving feedback like this really affects my confidence.
It's hard too because I'm used to doing really well at school and at uni, and to be at the bottom of my class - it's embarassing, but humbling.
What do I do, Dad? What are You trying to teach me here? What if I really fail and get kicked out of the programme?
I think You are teaching me to find my contentment in You. For the man who has God and everything else has no more than the man who has only God. If there is a discrepancy, perhaps it's Your way of hinting to me that maybe I love something more than You, that You aren't my greatest joy and treasure. Even if I do get kicked out of the programme, I have You. You are always with me wherever I go. And in Your presence there is amazing comforts and fullness of joy. And even if I do end up completing the programme, through this, I know You want me to find my contentment in You and only You.
I think You are teaching me to find my rest in You. My worth is secure in You, I don't need to do anything to earn Your love. I do things out of love for You.
I think You are teaching me not to put my trust in things like academic or career success, to hold these things lightly and hold on to You tightly.
I think You are humbling me where before I felt a sense of self-importance because of my "strong interpersonal skills" and my academic ability - now this is stripped away - I can see how much I found value in that over who I am in You. And if I'm honest, a "child of God" is a far more precious and unshakeable and eternal identity than a "university professor" or a "clinical psychologist".
Comments
Post a Comment