Faith Noodles

Holding the fear and dread in, I told my manager, L, that I was starting clinical work at my uni on Monday, but will continue to come to work at the hospital from Tuesday to Friday (which is 2 hours away from my uni, so lots of driving for me). “Please pray for me,” I said, almost in a pleading tone. “E and I miss praying with you in the mornings, Abby, and we are still praying for you,” was her reply. Feeling guilty about how I have been withdrawing from people lately, I apologised for not updating her on how I was going the past few weeks. “As I’ve been praying for you, God was showing me how He specifically chose this place for you to work in. While we don’t exactly tick the boxes needed for your exam over here and are not as structured as your uni requires you to be, you have learnt to engage with very difficult patients and that will make you a much better clinician and mentor in the future. Imagine finishing your training and only knowing how to tick boxes like your uni want...

What if God really does care for me? What if God is filled with infinite wisdom, kindness and mercy? What if God really did give up His son to die and suffer for me? What if God forgives me for the things I can't forgive myself for? What if what stabs my heart, stabs His too? What if God is hurting too? What if God will see me through?

Wait, wait for God to fulfil His promises. Even if He does not strip you off your fear immediately, wait and keep trusting Him, His Word that nothing can ever separate you from His love. Don’t hesitate to doubt your own perceptions of your situation. In proportion to your tribulations shall be your consolations! If you have shallow sorrows, you shall receive but shallow graces. But if you have deep afflictions, you shall obtain the deeper proofs of the faithfulness of God! As your days, so shall your strength be.. so let the days be long and dark, because they involve great grace and unusual patience.

I blame the difficult trials of my life for my lack of faith. That these prolonged trials erode my faith little by little as time goes by, and I start to have lower and lower expectations of my great God. But now God is causing me to see that my lack of faith comes from my own inability to trust in what I cannot see when the odds seem so against me. My desire to retreat to believing in what I can see, what's safe and not desiring to invest my heart's passions and desires into what I know God is passionate about too. It is much easier to dwell on soothing emotions of self-pity than to discipline my mind to focus on God's great truths. Yes, if I don't pass my next exam in 4 months, I may never get registered as a clinical psychologist, there is so much anguish as I struggle with the possibility of this becoming a reality.. but oh, how this truth I am blogging about so refreshes my heart. This dream God has put in my heart, I want it so much. I want to spend the res...

As you lead me through this valley of vision Let me see You in the heights For I know that I know that I know that I will find: Your grace in this valley Your hope in my hopelessness Your joy in my sorrow Your wealth in my need Your nearness in my loneliness Your healing in my brokenness Your light in my darkness Your sight in my blindness and confusion Your grace to forgive and get up again Your love and courage to face what I fear Your strength and glory in my weaknesses The more I lose, the more precious You become to me The lower I go, the more I yearn for You to make my heart Your home on earth That the deeper I go into darkness The more I see Your radiant light. Shortly before a gunman murdered her, Virginia Tech student Lauren McCain wrote in her diary, "Show me Your purpose for me at Tech, and on this earth. But, if You choose not to, I will still praise You and walk where You lead, not because I am selfless, or holy, or determined to ...

Yesterday I didn't pass my clinical exam. It is really hard especially since it's a dream so dear to my heart and one I have invested so much in. But I am learning that when I cannot trace God's hand, I can still trust His heart. His heart that breaks for us in our broken humanity and prompted Him to send His precious son, Jesus. His heart that loves me very much that He gives me fresh new mercies every morning to see me through the unique trials each day holds. His heart that is holding me together and using this difficult trial to teach me to let go of how I've defined myself by my career, ambitions or successes, but by this deep lasting relationship I have with my loving God. His heart that has given me such amazing people around me to help me keep dreaming even if it means my dreams can be shattered, and tell me they love me irrespective of this outcome. How thankful I am for all of you. And so I am learning that my relationship with God is far more pre...

1. Join toastmasters 2. Learn how to play my guitar better 3. Start swimming again (but the chlorine will strip the dye off my hair hmm conflicted haha) 4. Go hiking almost every Sunday 5. Experiment with new recipes and (maybe) join a bread-making class? 6. Pick up cross stitch again 7. Cook for my amazing supervisor and workmates who have been so supportive of me 8. Go travel! :) 9. Pick up painting? (get a friend to teach me how to paint with watercolours!) 10. One day, pick up the cello haha 11. Thank the Lord, again and again. Bless His name. Rejoice in Him for making my way perfect and strengthening me. Continue to grow in my confidence in Him and confidence in myself.